Thursday, May 26, will be my twelve-week check-up for the trial medicine. It is hard to believe that twelve weeks have passed already. I am somewhat excited about this visit because in the reports that I have read on the medicine, twelve weeks is when they have seen significant changes in tumors. Some patients have even seen their tumors completely disappear at this point. As is my habit, I have begun to prepare myself mentally and spiritually for my check-up next week.
The story of the Exodus has been on my mind the past few days. God had parted the Red Sea for them to escape Egypt and Pharaoh's army. God provided for their every need on their journey through the desert for forty years. However, they still had doubts and questioned God. I am sure they had to be asking, "How much longer could this go on? When will we be allowed to enter the Promised Land?"
Although it has not quite been a year since I was diagnosed, I have found myself comparing my journey to that of the Exodus. God has parted the waters countless times to give me safe passage through troubled waters. He has met my every need in ways that I have never imagined. However, I have been asking, "Will next week be the week that I enter into the promised land of complete healing?"
To finally enter the Promise Land, the Israelites had to cross the Jordan river. Only this time God required some action from the people. The priests were to carry the ark of the covenant into the Jordan. Once all of the priests had entered the river, the water would stop and the people would cross on dry land.
God has used the story of the Exodus and entering the Promised Land to teach me that He will lead you through the wilderness, but to get from where you are to where God desires you to be, you have to be willing to get your feet wet.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Chasing Dreams
We parents have dreams for our children. We start building those dreams from the day they are born. They typically include doing well in school, going on to college, graduating, and starting a career. Somewhere along the way they will meet the right person and get married. Then one day, we realize that the dreams we have for our children are essentially the lives we have lived. There comes a day when our dreams and our children's dreams no longer travel the same road. Although we have worked to get them out of the nest, suddenly they have climbed out on the branch by themselves and are ready to spread their wings and take the leap on their own.
That is how it has been with Chad. He was doing pretty good living my dream and was within months of graduating from college with his Mechanical Engineering degree. A job was pretty much lined up, but he had other dreams to chase. One afternoon last October he called to tell me that there were a couple of bike teams that had shown an interest in him. They had been discussing things, and he had consulted with one of his teammates, and both teams looked like good opportunities. During the call, I sensed there was something he wanted to ask, but he never did.
As I laid in bed that night, I thought of what Chad had not asked. He wanted to know how I felt about him pursuing cycling after graduation. Honestly, I had mixed emotions about it all. I hated to see him walk away from a good job, but I also wanted to see him pursue something he has a passion for. When I woke up the next morning, I had the answer. I did not want Chad to ever have to wonder, "What if?"
Later that day I called him and told him that now was the time for him to go for it. I did not want him to grow up and find himself in the situation I found myself in: That being fifty years old with cancer and wondering, "Would I ever get to do the things I had put off for so long?" Cancer has taught me to chase the dreams while they are fresh.
Chad now lives in Ft. Collins, Colorado, and is living his dream. He is criss-crossing the country racing his bike while chasing his other dream of becoming a pro cyclist. I have no doubt that he will make it.
If you want to know more about the life of a cyclist, Chad has a blog at:
http://chadhaga.blogspot.com/
That is how it has been with Chad. He was doing pretty good living my dream and was within months of graduating from college with his Mechanical Engineering degree. A job was pretty much lined up, but he had other dreams to chase. One afternoon last October he called to tell me that there were a couple of bike teams that had shown an interest in him. They had been discussing things, and he had consulted with one of his teammates, and both teams looked like good opportunities. During the call, I sensed there was something he wanted to ask, but he never did.
As I laid in bed that night, I thought of what Chad had not asked. He wanted to know how I felt about him pursuing cycling after graduation. Honestly, I had mixed emotions about it all. I hated to see him walk away from a good job, but I also wanted to see him pursue something he has a passion for. When I woke up the next morning, I had the answer. I did not want Chad to ever have to wonder, "What if?"
Later that day I called him and told him that now was the time for him to go for it. I did not want him to grow up and find himself in the situation I found myself in: That being fifty years old with cancer and wondering, "Would I ever get to do the things I had put off for so long?" Cancer has taught me to chase the dreams while they are fresh.
Chad now lives in Ft. Collins, Colorado, and is living his dream. He is criss-crossing the country racing his bike while chasing his other dream of becoming a pro cyclist. I have no doubt that he will make it.
If you want to know more about the life of a cyclist, Chad has a blog at:
http://chadhaga.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Right People, Right Place, Right Time
About one year ago my symptoms began to appear. We had no idea the journey that we were about to begin, and it would take another three months before we would have the diagnosis. Looking back over the past year, it is obvious that God has placed each stepping stone in our pathway and securely placed our feet on each stone along the way. Early on I prayed that God would place the right people in the right place at the right time to help us deal with cancer. This has been an amazing journey, and God has been faithful to answer this prayer.
One of the first people that God sent my way was a dog. No, I mean a REAL dog. At our house, dogs are people too. Pepper came along the morning after I was told that I had Stage IV lung cancer. I just needed something to laugh about, and there came Pepper bouncing into the water fountain. I never thought watching a dog try to catch water as it spurted from a fountain could supply such joy. Even today, I still smile when I think about Pepper going from spout to spout trying to catch that water.
Another person that God used was my Gamma Knife nurse. We were introduced the day before at my pre-operation appointment. On my way out of the clinic, she said that she would see me bright and early the next morning. I replied with, "You be sure to get a good night's sleep." She thought that was pretty funny, but early the next morning, there we both were. She escorted me all morning and pushed me all over the hospital. She was Johnny on the spot all morning with information about what was happening and what the next step would be. She seemed to sense that I needed information to deal with the situation and that silence was not good for me. During our talks, I learned that she is not a Christian and no longer practices the faith she grew up in. She now is on my prayer list.
When I had to be admitted to the hospital after my third chemo treatment, God sent another nurse to minister to me in a special way. After seeing me reading my Bible, she shared with me a message she had seen on television that day about healing. She looked at me and asked if I had faith that I would be healed. When I replied, "Yes," she walked over to my bedside and placed her hands on my chest and then prayed for my complete healing. I doubt they teach that in nursing school.
To prepare me for the clinical trial, I was treated to a day of tests and scans. One of the scans was a bone scan. I had not had a bone scan before and was concerned because it seemed like each time a new test was done, cancer was found somewhere else in my body. After completing the bone scan, I went for blood work and an EKG. When I entered the room for the EKG, I noticed a Bible on the technician's desk. As I was beginning to lie down on the table, she asked if I believed in God. When I replied yes, she asked if I would like to hear some music. When I said that I thought that would be okay, she started a song on her computer. I don't recall the title of the song, but it was about how great God is, and I was reminded that no matter the outcome of the bone scan, God would not be surprised and had the situation under His control.
There have been friends and family members who just seemed to know when I needed a phone call, text, or an e-mail for encouragement. Others have brought us food and nourished us both physically and spiritually. We will never be able to thank them enough for standing with us during this time.
God has taught me over the past year that He will answer prayers at a time, place, and way of His choosing. I look at people differently now knowing that God has placed each one of them in my path for His purposes.
One of the first people that God sent my way was a dog. No, I mean a REAL dog. At our house, dogs are people too. Pepper came along the morning after I was told that I had Stage IV lung cancer. I just needed something to laugh about, and there came Pepper bouncing into the water fountain. I never thought watching a dog try to catch water as it spurted from a fountain could supply such joy. Even today, I still smile when I think about Pepper going from spout to spout trying to catch that water.
Another person that God used was my Gamma Knife nurse. We were introduced the day before at my pre-operation appointment. On my way out of the clinic, she said that she would see me bright and early the next morning. I replied with, "You be sure to get a good night's sleep." She thought that was pretty funny, but early the next morning, there we both were. She escorted me all morning and pushed me all over the hospital. She was Johnny on the spot all morning with information about what was happening and what the next step would be. She seemed to sense that I needed information to deal with the situation and that silence was not good for me. During our talks, I learned that she is not a Christian and no longer practices the faith she grew up in. She now is on my prayer list.
When I had to be admitted to the hospital after my third chemo treatment, God sent another nurse to minister to me in a special way. After seeing me reading my Bible, she shared with me a message she had seen on television that day about healing. She looked at me and asked if I had faith that I would be healed. When I replied, "Yes," she walked over to my bedside and placed her hands on my chest and then prayed for my complete healing. I doubt they teach that in nursing school.
To prepare me for the clinical trial, I was treated to a day of tests and scans. One of the scans was a bone scan. I had not had a bone scan before and was concerned because it seemed like each time a new test was done, cancer was found somewhere else in my body. After completing the bone scan, I went for blood work and an EKG. When I entered the room for the EKG, I noticed a Bible on the technician's desk. As I was beginning to lie down on the table, she asked if I believed in God. When I replied yes, she asked if I would like to hear some music. When I said that I thought that would be okay, she started a song on her computer. I don't recall the title of the song, but it was about how great God is, and I was reminded that no matter the outcome of the bone scan, God would not be surprised and had the situation under His control.
There have been friends and family members who just seemed to know when I needed a phone call, text, or an e-mail for encouragement. Others have brought us food and nourished us both physically and spiritually. We will never be able to thank them enough for standing with us during this time.
God has taught me over the past year that He will answer prayers at a time, place, and way of His choosing. I look at people differently now knowing that God has placed each one of them in my path for His purposes.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sin and Love Held Him There
He had led them back to the garden. Whenever He wanted to be alone and pray, this is where He would go. They had just finished the Passover meal, and He had washed their feet. There had been an exchange between Him and Judas; Judas had run from the room and had not returned.
Now Jesus and the remaining eleven had returned to the garden. Eight of the disciples had stopped to rest. Peter, James, and John went on ahead with Jesus. Jesus told them to watch and pray and then went on to pray by Himself. A short while later Jesus returned to find them sleeping, and He encouraged them again to watch and pray. They could tell by the way Jesus looked and acted that He was in anguish. But they still couldn’t stay awake, and he returned again to find them sleeping. He woke them and told them that His time was at hand.
They could see the mob coming up the hill. Judas was leading the mob, and Jesus went out to meet them. Judas stepped forward and kissed Jesus on the cheek, and the mob moved to arrest Jesus. Peter leaped forward to defend Jesus and pulled his knife, slicing off the ear of a servant. Jesus admonished Peter to put away his knife. He didn’t need Peter to defend Him. If He wanted to, He could call down the angles in heaven and they would lay waste to the mob, but that was not His plan. Jesus was led away by the mob to be tried.
Jesus didn’t defend Himself at the trial. He was led from place to place, beaten multiple times, mocked and spat upon. And still no retaliation would come from Him. He was made to carry His own cross until His strength was gone. The Roman solders nailed His hands and feet to the cross, and the taunting continued as they gambled for His clothes. Look at Him there, hanging on that cross. Blood pouring down His face from the crown of thorns pressed into His head. His body bloodied and bruised from the beatings. His shoulders have been dislocated and His legs strain to keep his body upright, gasping for air. Jesus Christ was experiencing complete and total humiliation.
Would He call the angels now? The angles had to be ready, incensed by the treatment of God Almighty by a world that didn’t deserve Him; they could have come and taken Him back to heaven where He belonged. No, He would not call on the angels in heaven. He stayed there on that cross, but why? What held Him on the cross? The soldiers? The nails? None of these kept Him hanging on the cross. It was the sin of the world, your sin, my sin, and His love for us that kept Him there. Isn’t it amazing that while hanging there on that cross Jesus Christ could see my face and know that the only way I could enter heaven was for Him to die on that cross, and He chose to do it any way?
Now Jesus and the remaining eleven had returned to the garden. Eight of the disciples had stopped to rest. Peter, James, and John went on ahead with Jesus. Jesus told them to watch and pray and then went on to pray by Himself. A short while later Jesus returned to find them sleeping, and He encouraged them again to watch and pray. They could tell by the way Jesus looked and acted that He was in anguish. But they still couldn’t stay awake, and he returned again to find them sleeping. He woke them and told them that His time was at hand.
They could see the mob coming up the hill. Judas was leading the mob, and Jesus went out to meet them. Judas stepped forward and kissed Jesus on the cheek, and the mob moved to arrest Jesus. Peter leaped forward to defend Jesus and pulled his knife, slicing off the ear of a servant. Jesus admonished Peter to put away his knife. He didn’t need Peter to defend Him. If He wanted to, He could call down the angles in heaven and they would lay waste to the mob, but that was not His plan. Jesus was led away by the mob to be tried.
Jesus didn’t defend Himself at the trial. He was led from place to place, beaten multiple times, mocked and spat upon. And still no retaliation would come from Him. He was made to carry His own cross until His strength was gone. The Roman solders nailed His hands and feet to the cross, and the taunting continued as they gambled for His clothes. Look at Him there, hanging on that cross. Blood pouring down His face from the crown of thorns pressed into His head. His body bloodied and bruised from the beatings. His shoulders have been dislocated and His legs strain to keep his body upright, gasping for air. Jesus Christ was experiencing complete and total humiliation.
Would He call the angels now? The angles had to be ready, incensed by the treatment of God Almighty by a world that didn’t deserve Him; they could have come and taken Him back to heaven where He belonged. No, He would not call on the angels in heaven. He stayed there on that cross, but why? What held Him on the cross? The soldiers? The nails? None of these kept Him hanging on the cross. It was the sin of the world, your sin, my sin, and His love for us that kept Him there. Isn’t it amazing that while hanging there on that cross Jesus Christ could see my face and know that the only way I could enter heaven was for Him to die on that cross, and He chose to do it any way?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
More Than I Can Handle
"Remember, God never gives you more than you can handle." You have probably heard someone say that or possibly even said it yourself. I know that I have had people say it to me these past several months. I would say the majority of them have been Christians offering me words of encouragement. If you have said this or thought it, then I am probably about to offend you, because I don't think this is true.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then why do I have cancer? Just ask DeLayne; I am an absolute wimp when it comes to just having a cold. I don't like going to the doctor, much less having needles inserted in my hand and arms for blood draws and IVs. If DeLayne were not along to keep the ever-changing schedule straight and take care of all the insurance paperwork, I would be in one big mess. I cannot handle cancer by myself.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then what is the role of the friends and family that have hoisted us on their shoulders while on their knees in prayer? If I could handle this on my own, there would not be any need for the people who have rallied around us to offer us support and food at home and in Houston. No, I can't handle cancer by myself.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then what role is there for Jesus? If I were able to fix this on my own, exactly when would I learn to depend on Jesus? Jesus Himself said, "Come unto Me all of you who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28) I am so thankful for that invitation. There are days that cancer and all that goes with it just overwhelms me. No, I can't handle cancer by myself.
There is another saying that I have heard. "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I have changed that to, "If God brings you to it, He can carry you through it."
No, I can't handle cancer by myself, but I don't have to.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then why do I have cancer? Just ask DeLayne; I am an absolute wimp when it comes to just having a cold. I don't like going to the doctor, much less having needles inserted in my hand and arms for blood draws and IVs. If DeLayne were not along to keep the ever-changing schedule straight and take care of all the insurance paperwork, I would be in one big mess. I cannot handle cancer by myself.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then what is the role of the friends and family that have hoisted us on their shoulders while on their knees in prayer? If I could handle this on my own, there would not be any need for the people who have rallied around us to offer us support and food at home and in Houston. No, I can't handle cancer by myself.
If God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then what role is there for Jesus? If I were able to fix this on my own, exactly when would I learn to depend on Jesus? Jesus Himself said, "Come unto Me all of you who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28) I am so thankful for that invitation. There are days that cancer and all that goes with it just overwhelms me. No, I can't handle cancer by myself.
There is another saying that I have heard. "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I have changed that to, "If God brings you to it, He can carry you through it."
No, I can't handle cancer by myself, but I don't have to.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Life Sentence
This is a blog post that I have been putting off for several days. I am afraid that people will take what I am about to write about as bragging or that I think I have it all figured out. I hope that you believe me that I have prayed about what to write and that it be read and accepted in the spirit that it is intended. Only God can make you see things the way I see them now.
I have heard multiple times from friends, co-workers, family, doctors and nurses about what a great positive attitude that I have. I think that it is the same attitude I have had my whole life. One co-worker told me that she is glad to see that cancer has not changed my attitude like she had seen it change other people she knew with cancer. I told her that I thought there was enough negative in the world without me adding to it.
The one thing that has helped me the most is that I do not see cancer as being a death sentence. I see cancer as being a life sentence. I firmly believe that God's will is for me to be completely healed from cancer and that it will never return. When that happens, I will live each day thankful for that day, loving my family and enjoying the days with them, and I will worship Jesus.
I know that there are some people that will ask, "What if God's will is for you not to be healed?" If the time should come that cancer takes my earthly body, then I know that because of my belief in Jesus Christ, when I take my last breath on earth, I will take my first breath in heaven. I will have two good lungs and there will be no more pain. I will see family and friends that have gone before me, and I will worship Jesus.
Either way, I still live!
I have heard multiple times from friends, co-workers, family, doctors and nurses about what a great positive attitude that I have. I think that it is the same attitude I have had my whole life. One co-worker told me that she is glad to see that cancer has not changed my attitude like she had seen it change other people she knew with cancer. I told her that I thought there was enough negative in the world without me adding to it.
The one thing that has helped me the most is that I do not see cancer as being a death sentence. I see cancer as being a life sentence. I firmly believe that God's will is for me to be completely healed from cancer and that it will never return. When that happens, I will live each day thankful for that day, loving my family and enjoying the days with them, and I will worship Jesus.
I know that there are some people that will ask, "What if God's will is for you not to be healed?" If the time should come that cancer takes my earthly body, then I know that because of my belief in Jesus Christ, when I take my last breath on earth, I will take my first breath in heaven. I will have two good lungs and there will be no more pain. I will see family and friends that have gone before me, and I will worship Jesus.
Either way, I still live!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Prayers
I have never been very good at praying. I start, then lose my focus, and my mind begins to wander. Soon I forget what I am praying about, get frustrated, and give up. During radiation treatment, I remembered hearing a minister say that if you don't know what to pray for, pray the Bible. I thought that I could surely handle that and decided that I would start reading the Psalms, underline verses that ministered to me, and start using them as my morning prayers. I read ten Psalms a day for fifteen days, underlining and praying scripture back to God. After fifteen days, I felt that these had to have been some of the most heartfelt effective prayers of my life and decided that I would start over and each day pray back the underlined portions, ten Psalms a day. I have continued doing this and I am still amazed how the right verses come up on the days I need them most.
On day fifteen, when physically I was probably at my lowest point, I read Psalm 150. The last verse says:
"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
That is a tough pill to swallow for a lung cancer patient, but I still had breath, and so I praised the Lord.
The days leading up to the tests and treatments are the most anxious. There seemed to always be a lot of "what ifs" running through my mind. Every time I would get worried, Psalms would come up about God calming a situation. One of my favorites that came up during one of these times was Psalms 107. I have always had the vision that this cancer battle was like being in a boat tossed by the waves, so verses 25 to 29 touched me the most.
"For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind,
Which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths;
Their soul melted away in their misery.
They reeled and staggered like a drunken man,
And were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
And he brought them out of their distresses.
He caused the storm to be still,
So that the waves of the sea were hushed."
Finally, after seven months, we heard the report we had been waiting to hear: The cancer had not spread to any new sites. The active sites seen in previous scans were now either inactive or decreased in activity. The primary lung tumor has shrunk by half and is possibly dead.
The next morning Psalm 81 was the first for my daily prayer. Here is what I had underlined some three months ago:
"Sing for joy to God our strength;
Shout joyfully to the God of Jacob.
You called in trouble and I rescued you;
I answered you in the hiding place of thunder."
I just can't add anything to that but "Amen!"
On day fifteen, when physically I was probably at my lowest point, I read Psalm 150. The last verse says:
"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
That is a tough pill to swallow for a lung cancer patient, but I still had breath, and so I praised the Lord.
The days leading up to the tests and treatments are the most anxious. There seemed to always be a lot of "what ifs" running through my mind. Every time I would get worried, Psalms would come up about God calming a situation. One of my favorites that came up during one of these times was Psalms 107. I have always had the vision that this cancer battle was like being in a boat tossed by the waves, so verses 25 to 29 touched me the most.
"For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind,
Which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths;
Their soul melted away in their misery.
They reeled and staggered like a drunken man,
And were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
And he brought them out of their distresses.
He caused the storm to be still,
So that the waves of the sea were hushed."
Finally, after seven months, we heard the report we had been waiting to hear: The cancer had not spread to any new sites. The active sites seen in previous scans were now either inactive or decreased in activity. The primary lung tumor has shrunk by half and is possibly dead.
The next morning Psalm 81 was the first for my daily prayer. Here is what I had underlined some three months ago:
"Sing for joy to God our strength;
Shout joyfully to the God of Jacob.
You called in trouble and I rescued you;
I answered you in the hiding place of thunder."
I just can't add anything to that but "Amen!"
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