We had talked on the phone. He had just been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. The call had been arranged through mutual friends, and he wanted to know about my experience and treatment. I liked him and we had things in common: he loved his family, he loved his wife, and he loved Jesus. He also was intent on beating lung cancer but knew the odds were against him. Now just ten months later, his journey has come to an end. Cancer has taken another one.
Although I knew none of his treatments had been successful at slowing or stopping the cancer, the news of his passing made me stop and think. Two men traveling the same road. One's journey has come to an end; the other's continues. God's plan and purpose is unique for each man. One plan and purpose has been completed; the other marches on, but what is the reason?
I still struggle with what God's plan and purpose in all of this can be. Sometimes I think I understand it, but then I think that there has to be more to it. I know that God is working and that somehow, some way all of this will be for His glory. That does not make it any easier. These thoughts were churning in my mind as I walked one day, and I just started to talk to God, and I just asked, "Is that all there is, or is there another purpose?" From nowhere came that same voice that I have heard before: "They're watching," was all it said. I still do not know who they are, but somewhere there is someone watching me. How I handle this battle against my faith will impact someone's life.
I believe that God's plan is perfect and unchanging. He has one singular plan, but His plan encompasses more than one purpose. Each day that I continue this journey, I turn another page in God's plan, but His purpose may change from day to day. I have to be prepared and available to be a part of God's purpose each day.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
21
Back in 1995, I was finishing up my MBA. I had spent way too many evenings away from home and family. One Wednesday evening, I didn't have any classwork and was able to pick the boys up from church. On the way home, the two boys were chattering away in the back seat, when Chad asked, "Daddy, how much longer do you have to go to school?" I replied, "Just a few more weeks, why?" Shane then said, "We just want our daddy back." Ouch! I had not considered how my being gone so much affected the boys.
That memory came back to me the other day while I was out for my walk. Walking is about the only form of exercise that I can get these days. Sometimes during my walks, I start to think how much cancer has taken from me and my family. Pieces of my life are gone, and life will never be the same. I am slowly coming to grips with that, but what disturbs me the most is that it just does not seem right that my family has to go through this.
I remember the first time I saw my dad in a real medical emergency. He was much older than I am now, and I was much older than the boys. I still remember how my heart ached when I realized that he someday would be gone. When I remember that, it just really saddens me that at this time in their lives my boys should have to think about things like that and watch their daddy as bits of his life fade away.
This next week, that little guy in the back seat turns twenty-one. More than anything else, I wish I could give him his daddy back.
That memory came back to me the other day while I was out for my walk. Walking is about the only form of exercise that I can get these days. Sometimes during my walks, I start to think how much cancer has taken from me and my family. Pieces of my life are gone, and life will never be the same. I am slowly coming to grips with that, but what disturbs me the most is that it just does not seem right that my family has to go through this.
I remember the first time I saw my dad in a real medical emergency. He was much older than I am now, and I was much older than the boys. I still remember how my heart ached when I realized that he someday would be gone. When I remember that, it just really saddens me that at this time in their lives my boys should have to think about things like that and watch their daddy as bits of his life fade away.
This next week, that little guy in the back seat turns twenty-one. More than anything else, I wish I could give him his daddy back.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Potter and His Clay
When I would sing the first stanza from the old hymn "Have Thine Own Way, Lord!" I thought the verse had a gentle sentiment: Mold me, make me. I could envision the gentle hand of the potter forming the clay as it spun on the wheel. The potter knowing that with any wrong move the clay would crumple into a heap on the wheel.
That was what I thought until I saw a pottery demonstration. We had gone to Eureka Springs to see The Great Passion Play. While waiting for the gates to open, we walked around and happened onto the pottery demonstration being given by the actor that would portray Jesus in the play that evening. I watched as he picked up a clump of clay and began forming it into a ball; gently rolling it around in his hands. Suddenly, he hit the clay with his fist and began pulling on it before forming a ball again. He repeated this a couple of times, explaining as he went that he had to soften up the clay and make it compliant before he could make anything.
I have thought about this scene and hymn more than a few times the past couple of months. Putting the two of them together, I have come to the conclusion that when Jesus is the potter, sometimes before Jesus can use you, He has to make you useful. Yes, it maybe uncomfortable and at times painful, but when He is done, you realize that through the pain, He has made something wonderful.
That was what I thought until I saw a pottery demonstration. We had gone to Eureka Springs to see The Great Passion Play. While waiting for the gates to open, we walked around and happened onto the pottery demonstration being given by the actor that would portray Jesus in the play that evening. I watched as he picked up a clump of clay and began forming it into a ball; gently rolling it around in his hands. Suddenly, he hit the clay with his fist and began pulling on it before forming a ball again. He repeated this a couple of times, explaining as he went that he had to soften up the clay and make it compliant before he could make anything.
I have thought about this scene and hymn more than a few times the past couple of months. Putting the two of them together, I have come to the conclusion that when Jesus is the potter, sometimes before Jesus can use you, He has to make you useful. Yes, it maybe uncomfortable and at times painful, but when He is done, you realize that through the pain, He has made something wonderful.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Next Step
Have you ever had the feeling that God wanted you to do something, but you just did not feel like doing it? I have had that feeling the last couple of months, and with everything else I have had to deal with health-wise, I just could not believe that God was asking me to take the next step now. The bottom line is that I was just being disobedient (1)because I did not feel well, and (2) because it involves doing something that I am not comfortable doing.
The past couple of months I have been feeling that God wants me to get out and give my testimony. Writing this blog is one thing, but He has impressed upon me that reading about miracles is one thing; people sometimes need to see and hear from the miracle. Right now, I can really relate to Moses. God wanted Moses to go to Pharaoh and lead His people out of Egypt. Moses' excuse was "God, I am slow of speech and just not good at that."
People who know me really well know that I am an in-the-shadows kind of guy. I don't like being out front of a group of people and especially talking to a group of people. I have, on occasion, forced myself to speak to a group, but it really pushes my comfort zone. So, like Moses, I am just going to trust God to provide the words, directions, and opportunities to present His message.
If you would be interested in me giving my testimony to your group, please e-mail me at chaga1978@gmail.com and we will see how we can make it happen.
The past couple of months I have been feeling that God wants me to get out and give my testimony. Writing this blog is one thing, but He has impressed upon me that reading about miracles is one thing; people sometimes need to see and hear from the miracle. Right now, I can really relate to Moses. God wanted Moses to go to Pharaoh and lead His people out of Egypt. Moses' excuse was "God, I am slow of speech and just not good at that."
People who know me really well know that I am an in-the-shadows kind of guy. I don't like being out front of a group of people and especially talking to a group of people. I have, on occasion, forced myself to speak to a group, but it really pushes my comfort zone. So, like Moses, I am just going to trust God to provide the words, directions, and opportunities to present His message.
If you would be interested in me giving my testimony to your group, please e-mail me at chaga1978@gmail.com and we will see how we can make it happen.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wrestling with Satan
I left you hanging a bit at the end of the last blog post, but I was still processing what had happened that Sunday morning. During those previous two weeks, not only had I started to spiritually find my way back, but I had also started to physically improve. I had gotten tired of walking around the block and had started walking the almost mile around the neighborhood. My breathing exercises had shown a real improvement, as well. So, when DeLayne asked on Saturday night if I wanted to go to church Sunday morning, I told her that I thought I would give it a shot. I have not been to church for several weeks, and after this last stint in the hospital, I have been afraid of being in large groups of people, especially during the peak flu season. However, I knew I needed to be back in the body for worship.
After I got up Sunday morning and had breakfast, I did my first round of breathing exercises and saw the best early-morning results yet. I thought that was a good sign to start getting ready for church. However, after taking my shower, I noticed that I was really short of breath. I also noticed my back was beginning to hurt worse, and I started to doubt that I would be able to get out of the house. As I sat on the bed trying to catch my breath, I asked why all of a sudden this was such a battle. That's when I heard my little voice say, "Satan doesn't want you in church." So moving a little slower but with more determination, I continued to get dressed and ready for church, but I could tell that the wrestling match was not going to end.
After parking at church, we still had a couple of hundred yards to walk to the entrance. The closer we got, the harder each step became. This was a much shorter walk than I have been doing, but with each of the final few steps I was saying, "Help me, Jesus." Once I was in the church, I noticed that I was breathing hard, but my feet and legs felt lighter. I was able to make my way into the sanctuary and sit down and begin catching my breath. I had made it to church.
After the service, I realized why Satan wrestled with me every step to church. Once again, the service was filled with hymns that contained words I needed to hear. The sermon was from Psalm 139 and about how God had put me together. He knew the plans He had for me and that only He knew the number of my days. Satan did not want me to be encouraged. He doesn't want me back in the game. But thanks to Jesus, Satan has lost another match, and I am on the way back.
After I got up Sunday morning and had breakfast, I did my first round of breathing exercises and saw the best early-morning results yet. I thought that was a good sign to start getting ready for church. However, after taking my shower, I noticed that I was really short of breath. I also noticed my back was beginning to hurt worse, and I started to doubt that I would be able to get out of the house. As I sat on the bed trying to catch my breath, I asked why all of a sudden this was such a battle. That's when I heard my little voice say, "Satan doesn't want you in church." So moving a little slower but with more determination, I continued to get dressed and ready for church, but I could tell that the wrestling match was not going to end.
After parking at church, we still had a couple of hundred yards to walk to the entrance. The closer we got, the harder each step became. This was a much shorter walk than I have been doing, but with each of the final few steps I was saying, "Help me, Jesus." Once I was in the church, I noticed that I was breathing hard, but my feet and legs felt lighter. I was able to make my way into the sanctuary and sit down and begin catching my breath. I had made it to church.
After the service, I realized why Satan wrestled with me every step to church. Once again, the service was filled with hymns that contained words I needed to hear. The sermon was from Psalm 139 and about how God had put me together. He knew the plans He had for me and that only He knew the number of my days. Satan did not want me to be encouraged. He doesn't want me back in the game. But thanks to Jesus, Satan has lost another match, and I am on the way back.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Pathway Back
After posting "A Broken Vessel," I was pretty well spent. I was unsure how I would recover from all that had happened the previous week. I could not formulate a plan in my head and was not just real impressed with where God's plan had me. That Sunday morning it became evident that even though I was not particularly interested in spending time with God, He still wanted to spend time with me.
After waking up Sunday morning, I turned on the TV and, out of habit, started looking for Dr. Charles Stanley. After flipping through a few channels, I found him and was shocked to see that his message that day was about challenges to our faith. When he said that all of us face failures in our faith sometimes, I about yelled, "Preach on, Brother!" He went on to make the point that God uses these tests as a means to increase and stretch our faith. I began to realize that I was being stretched, and it was not very comfortable.
After watching Dr. Stanley, I flipped a few more channels and heard another familiar voice. I had stumbled onto Dr. David Jeremiah's broadcast. His message that day was on fighting discouragement. Really? In the course of his message, he said that all Christians will become discouraged. The only way to overcome deep discouragement is to read the Bible, but sometimes you will be so discouraged that you will have to force feed yourself. He said that you will have to pray that God give you verses of encouragement and that He sends you some encouragers.
So, on Sunday afternoon, I humbled myself and asked God to forgive me for my bad attitude, that He give me some verses of encouragement, and send people to encourage me. When I opened my Bible, God provided verses that once again established that He was, is, and will forever be in control. He knows my situation better than I do and that I have to trust His direction.
Sunday evening, my phone rang, and it was my sister calling to encourage me and lift my spirits. Then I started receiving e-mails and comments on my blog. People started thanking me for being honest about my battle and telling me that they would be praying for me. Then on Tuesday morning, a woman that I have never met left me a comment about how my latest blog entry had helped her and her mother understand what another family member was going through. Even in my brokenness, God was still building.
These last two weeks I have still had to force feed myself some days. But at least I know I am now on the pathway back. The pathway has been largely uphill, and there was one more battle I would have to fight. I'll save that for the next post.
After waking up Sunday morning, I turned on the TV and, out of habit, started looking for Dr. Charles Stanley. After flipping through a few channels, I found him and was shocked to see that his message that day was about challenges to our faith. When he said that all of us face failures in our faith sometimes, I about yelled, "Preach on, Brother!" He went on to make the point that God uses these tests as a means to increase and stretch our faith. I began to realize that I was being stretched, and it was not very comfortable.
After watching Dr. Stanley, I flipped a few more channels and heard another familiar voice. I had stumbled onto Dr. David Jeremiah's broadcast. His message that day was on fighting discouragement. Really? In the course of his message, he said that all Christians will become discouraged. The only way to overcome deep discouragement is to read the Bible, but sometimes you will be so discouraged that you will have to force feed yourself. He said that you will have to pray that God give you verses of encouragement and that He sends you some encouragers.
So, on Sunday afternoon, I humbled myself and asked God to forgive me for my bad attitude, that He give me some verses of encouragement, and send people to encourage me. When I opened my Bible, God provided verses that once again established that He was, is, and will forever be in control. He knows my situation better than I do and that I have to trust His direction.
Sunday evening, my phone rang, and it was my sister calling to encourage me and lift my spirits. Then I started receiving e-mails and comments on my blog. People started thanking me for being honest about my battle and telling me that they would be praying for me. Then on Tuesday morning, a woman that I have never met left me a comment about how my latest blog entry had helped her and her mother understand what another family member was going through. Even in my brokenness, God was still building.
These last two weeks I have still had to force feed myself some days. But at least I know I am now on the pathway back. The pathway has been largely uphill, and there was one more battle I would have to fight. I'll save that for the next post.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
A Broken Vessel
Broken – that’s what I am: broken. I cannot remember at any point in my life being as broken as I am right now. As I told one of the doctors, it is like all of my dominoes were in a line and someone walked up and pushed the first one, and now I am powerless to stop them. Since mid-September, there has been one health issue after another, and they have finally taken their toll.
Physically, I am exhausted. I am not sure there is any part of my body that is working as it should; even when it does work, it hurts. Just sitting up to eat or taking a short walk wears me out. Rolling over in bed takes tremendous effort. I try not to take many of the pain meds prescribed for me, but sometimes, they are the only answer.
Emotionally, I find myself becoming more disconnected each day. The doctor from Care Support told me it is okay to cry and would probably be good for me. I just thought, “Dude, if I could, I would.” I feel like I have no control and all of the emotion has been sucked out of me.
Mentally, I am fatigued. I feel like I have pulled all nighters for finals for the past week. Putting two thoughts together is becoming a real challenge. I do my best to just focus on each day and what it will take to get through it, but with the string of bad days that I have had, it is hard to think of better days coming.
Spiritually, I have been drained. This is the area that most disturbs me. I try to read my Bible, but I just can’t muster the desire. I try to pray, but all that will come out is, “God, please fix something!” Early one morning, I was lying in bed pleading with God to show me some mercy. Suddenly, I realized the song "It is Well with My Soul" was playing in my head. I got mad and told God that under no circumstances was any of this well with my soul. Then I tried to recall some memory verses, and the only verse that would come to mind was, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” That pretty well summed up my feelings at that moment.
I still believe that God is here and He is working; I just wish I could feel Him more. I still believe that there will be something good come from all of this; I just wish I could see it. I still believe that God is and will be glorified in all of this. I just wish He would get some glory somewhere else for awhile.
Can God still use a broken vessel like me? I have read before that God saves His greatest work for His vessels after they have been broken and He has put them back together. I guess we will see how He puts this one back together.
Physically, I am exhausted. I am not sure there is any part of my body that is working as it should; even when it does work, it hurts. Just sitting up to eat or taking a short walk wears me out. Rolling over in bed takes tremendous effort. I try not to take many of the pain meds prescribed for me, but sometimes, they are the only answer.
Emotionally, I find myself becoming more disconnected each day. The doctor from Care Support told me it is okay to cry and would probably be good for me. I just thought, “Dude, if I could, I would.” I feel like I have no control and all of the emotion has been sucked out of me.
Mentally, I am fatigued. I feel like I have pulled all nighters for finals for the past week. Putting two thoughts together is becoming a real challenge. I do my best to just focus on each day and what it will take to get through it, but with the string of bad days that I have had, it is hard to think of better days coming.
Spiritually, I have been drained. This is the area that most disturbs me. I try to read my Bible, but I just can’t muster the desire. I try to pray, but all that will come out is, “God, please fix something!” Early one morning, I was lying in bed pleading with God to show me some mercy. Suddenly, I realized the song "It is Well with My Soul" was playing in my head. I got mad and told God that under no circumstances was any of this well with my soul. Then I tried to recall some memory verses, and the only verse that would come to mind was, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” That pretty well summed up my feelings at that moment.
I still believe that God is here and He is working; I just wish I could feel Him more. I still believe that there will be something good come from all of this; I just wish I could see it. I still believe that God is and will be glorified in all of this. I just wish He would get some glory somewhere else for awhile.
Can God still use a broken vessel like me? I have read before that God saves His greatest work for His vessels after they have been broken and He has put them back together. I guess we will see how He puts this one back together.
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