Hope - Part 1

First,  my apologies if you have been checking to see anything new just to find the same old thing.  After learning that the Tarceva did not work, I needed a break.  I had grown wary of building my hopes up just  to see them dashed on the cold, hard rocks of reality.  Each time I would rebuild just to find that there were pieces missing.  I awoke one morning with the idea in my head that if I was looking for hope, I should start with the Bible.  I decided to look up each verse with the word hope, write it in my notebook, and then write my feelings and thoughts about each verse.  Just in case you are interested, in my NASB translation there are 31 verses in 21 different books of the Bible.  What follows are some of those verses with what I wrote. 

Job 17:15 Where now is my hope?  And who regards my hope?

I know just how Job feels.  I feel like all of the hope I had when this started is being slowly drained away from me.  I need something to plug the hole.

Psalm 9:18 For the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever.

I think at this point I would consider myself one of the needy.  I need some good news; healing would be great.  I feel like I have been forgotten.  Is God hearing me?

I would also say that I am afflicted.  My hope will not perish forever.  I just pray that God sends a lifeline soon.

Psalm 39:7 And now, Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in you.

The bottom line is that I am losing faith in the doctors and medicine.  Why am I the guy that things don't work for?  I have to put my hope in the Lord to provide the healing.

Psalm 71:5 For you are my hope; O Lord God, you are my confidence from my youth.

When I look back through my life, it is easy to see where God worked on my behalf.  Is He working today?  Is He trying to bring me to the point where I recognize He is all the hope I have?

Proverbs 19:18  Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death.

Is God disciplining me?  Part of the word discipline is disciple.  In all of this frustration and disappointment, is God trying to teach me something?   I must be a slow learner.  I wish He would hurry and finish the lesson or at least let me peek at the lesson plan.

He does not desire my death.  God's desire is for me to be completely healed.  I guess the healing will come after the lesson is complete.

Jeremiah 17:13  O Lord, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame.  Because they have forsaken the fountain of living water, even the Lord.

Could it be that there is someone watching me that has turned away from the Lord?  Will He eventually use my healing to draw them back?  I need to find this person and give them a hug.

The Lord is the fountain of living water.  I need a long, cool drink!

Well, there are the first few verses.  I will admit to having more questions than answers, but I have faith that God will answer them in His timing as we continue our journey down this road called cancer.

Thanks once again for all of your prayers for healing, encouragement and support. 

Love you all!

Friends

Do you ever stop and think about the people you call friends?  I am not sure that I have ever really given it much thought.  I know that there are some people that I hold a little closer than others.  With the way things are today, people just come and go through our lives.  We move on and make new friends.  Some friends we stay in touch with because our lives are intertwined.  Other friends just stay on our Christmas card list.

One thing that I am learning is that DeLayne and I have great friends.  We have friends that come mow our yard and take care of our house while we are gone.  Friends that have brought us snacks or meals to show they care.  Some of our friends just have a knack for showing up when they know we need a laugh or a hug.  Others just seem to know when we can use a phone call to check up on us or an e-mail to encourage us.

I have wondered how these friends know what we need when we need it.  I guess my only explanation is that God prompts them.  During my quiet time last Monday, I read a Bible verse that perfectly describes this kind of friendship.  In Philippians chapter four there are some great verses for cancer patients:  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am."  But right there in verse 14, Paul describes the kind of friends that DeLayne and I have:

"Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction."

Notice that he says "in my affliction."  These are the friends that are in the battle with you.  These are the kind of friends that we are blessed to have surrounding us now.

I guess, if there was one piece of advice that I could give young people it would be this:  Build your life with and surround yourselves with the kind of friends that will share in your afflictions.  They will make a difference in your life.

Thanks for being our friends!

Love, Chris and DeLayne

Blessed Assurance

Well, here I sit.  In slightly less than forty-eight hours I will again be injected with a radioactive glucose solution and placed in a machine to be scanned from the tip of my nose to my belly button.  The results of the scan will show if the lung cancer has continued to advance or if we have struck a blow against this beast in my chest.  As I think about this, I can't help but think that I should feel more anxious about this next week, but strangely I don't.  I have shared before how I was told that the battle would be long and hard but that I would be healed.  Even since that time, God has continued to give me assurances that eventually I will be healed.  I pray daily that he would let me in on the time line and plan but He has chosen not to do that.  Until such time He chooses to give me more details, I will have to live with the assurances He has given me.

One morning after beginning the Tarceva, I could feel fatigue beginning to set in.  I had finished my morning devotional reading and asked God to give me a little extra for the day.  The Bible that I use is the Life Application Study Bible.  At the beginning of each book, there is an introduction and blueprint for that book.  After asking God for the little extra, I randomly opened my Bible.  I looked down to see that my Bible had opened to the introduction to Matthew.  I thought I must have missed by a page or two and flipped back and forth.  Not seeing anything else, I had decided to just close my Bible and get on with my day.  That's when I heard this slightly exasperated voice in my head say "just read the introduction."  As I read, I remember thinking to myself, what does this have to do with fighting cancer.  As soon as I reached the final paragraph, my eyes began to tear.  There were these words:

"As you read this Gospel, listen to Matthew's clear message: Jesus is the Christ, the King of kings and Lord of lords.  Celebrate his victory over evil and death, and make Jesus the Lord of your life."

Jesus has already fought this battle for me and I look forward to the day that we can rejoice in His victory.

After coming home from the hospital from the bout with pneumonia, I was unable to get comfortable in bed one evening.  Instead of lying there thinking whatever random thoughts popped into my head, I decided to go lay on the couch.  After reading a little from another book, I felt that I should read my Bible.  I said a prayer along the lines of 'God, I am not feeling too good tonight.  Please show me something that there are better days ahead.'  I opened my Bible and there before my eyes was Malachi 4:2.

"But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from the stall."

That, my friends, brings a whole new meaning to sunrise.

Finally, I am going to tell you something that after you read it, you may be tempted to call the guys in the white jackets.  The Bible talks about angels and how we are each given one.  However, I may be the only person who is going to admit to actually seeing his. 

While I was going through all of the diagnostic testing, early one morning I was asleep in the hotel room.  I was having a dream, and in my dream I was in the same hotel room and facing the door to the bedroom. Suddenly I realized  that there was a man standing in the door way.  I remember thinking, "Why is that man in the doorway?"  He was dressed in either a robe or gown that was tied at the waist.  Slowly he walked across the room to my side of the bed.  As I looked at him, he bent over and laid his hand on my chest.  The sensation of being touched was so real that it startled me awake.  I have thought about this for several weeks trying to figure out what it all meant.  I have finally concluded that this was my guardian angel simply telling me that he is in this battle with me and watching over me.     

As I head into this next week that will determine what direction we go next, I am leaning on these blessed assurances.

Thanks once again to everyone who is out there praying for me.

Finding the Right Gear

Whenever I get to ride my bicycle, I notice that there are times that the pedaling seems effortless.  There is a natural rhythm to my legs and breathing.  That is when I know I have found the right gear.  There is a lot of life that is the same way.  We find ourselves in a rhythm and we just roll through the day feeling good about our lives.  Then something comes along and knocks us out of our natural rhythm and we find ourselves desperately looking for anyway to find it again.  On a bike, that's when I realize I am riding uphill in way too big of a gear. 

For me, fighting cancer is very similar to this.  If I can find the rhythm between taking the medicine, eating, sleeping and other daily activities, I begin to feel better.  My biggest problem up until now has been being able to find that rhythm and stay in it.  Every time I think I am about to find the right gear something else comes along and knocks me out of my rhythm.  The last two weeks pneumonia has been what's done this to me.  Just when I think I have the pneumonia under control, the side effects from some of the medicines kicks in and I have to start all over again.

Last Tuesday was a day that I had to start over again.  Monday had gone well and I was beginning to feel like I was getting there.  Then Monday evening, I noticed a strange taste to my food.  Then just like that, everything started tasting bad.  Tuesday morning I had to choke down my breakfast and I could feel my energy level begin drop from the lack of food.  As I got in my truck and headed to work, I began to ask if this was ever going to end.  I was driving to work when I realized that I was pedaling uphill in way too big a gear.  I was one stop light away from turning around, going back home to bed and pulling the covers over my head when I was reminded Who is large and in charge.  As if on queue, a song by Casting Crowns came on the radio that fit me perfectly.  The title of the song is Praise You in This Storm.  I won't retype the lyrics here but if you would like to read them go here:

http://www.christian-lyrics.net/casting-crowns/praise-you-in-this-storm-lyrics.html#axzz11JBCP3qh

God used this song to provide the kick in the pants that I needed and remind me that no matter the circumstances, I am to look to Him for help and praise Him.  I will not lie to you and tell you that right now I am able to praise God for cancer but slowly He is teaching me to give Him praise in the midst of this storm.

Sometimes the problem is not the gear you are in but who is pedaling the bike. 

Thanks once again for all of your prayers.

Changes

I think that it is part of human nature to resist changes to the way we do things or maybe I should say it is part of my nature to resist.  Starting from the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I have been determined to not allow cancer to change or significantly alter my life.  I wanted life to continue on as normal, whatever normal could possibly mean.  I began to suspect  last Sunday morning when I walked in to church, that as hard as I was trying, cancer was changing my normal.  The side affects from the Tarceva had started to appear and I found myself deciding where to sit so that, if necessary, I could leave without disrupting the service for those around me.  My suspicions were confirmed Thursday morning when I entered the MDA Radiation Clinic and saw emblazoned on a waiting room television "Cancer Changes Everything."  Since then, I have been reflecting over the past months to see how else cancer has changed my life.

There have been changes that at first glance appear positive but are actually negatives.  For sometime now, I have been trying to lose some weight.  Ordinarily, I would feel good about losing twenty pounds and an inch off of my waist.  I know a lot of people who have paid a lot of money for those kind of results but this is not a weight loss plan I would wish on anyone.  Eating all of the time and not gaining weight is good for a teenager but I have to eat every few hours to keep from losing more weight.  Sometimes, I actually get tired of eating.

Then there are changes that appear to be negative but are proving to have positive results.  As a result of the lung tumor, part of my lung has collapsed.  This makes it difficult to talk sometimes and singing is all but out of the question.  Not being able to sing maybe a positive for those around me but I am finding it also has a positive effect on me.  Since I can not sing, I am now more closely reading the words to the hymns and I am realizing what a wonderful gift the old hymns are to the church.  Don't tell your music ministers I said this but try this sometime, stop singing and read the words; let them soak in.   

Finally, there are changes that can only be seen as positive.  Sunrises and sunsets no longer just mark the beginning and ending of each day.  They are times to be thankful for another day and celebrate the glory of God's creation.  I know that my prayers and talks with God are a bit more direct and urgent.  My quiet times and Bible study times are deeper now.  I love Jesus and appreciate what He has done for me more now than ever.  I love and value my sons more now than the day they were born.  I love my wife more each day and thank God every day that she is here for me to lean on.  I simply can not imagine going through this without her by my side.

Numbers

Do you ever think about all of the numbers you have to keep track of?  DeLayne and I didn't until the day I was admitted to the MDA Cancer Clinic.  They needed to know home and business addresses, home and business phone numbers, cell phone numbers, emergency contact phone numbers, social security number, insurance policy number and date of birth.  Just to name a few.

Once you are admitted, the numbers only get worse.  Now you have to remember your patient ID number, appointment times, building numbers and shuttle schedules.  At every appointment you can look forward to having your weight, height, temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, and oxygen level measured.  And do not even get me started on what they do to you when you go in to have a test or procedure done.

In honor of all of these important numbers as well as the critical numbers we keep track of on the weekend like football scores, baseball scores and the Ranger's magic number, here are a few more numbers that have entered my life in the last year and what they mean.

53 miles - this is the furthest I have ever ridden  on my bike.  About a week before my 50th birthday I got the idea that I should ride at least 50 miles before I turned 50.  Okay, admittedly, not the best idea I ever had.

45 miles - just how many of those 53 miles I enjoyed.  The last eight was a serious prayer time.

274 miles - how far it is from our driveway to MDA.


5 - how many siblings I have; three sisters and two brothers.  Four of which are older than me.

28,000,000 - if you saw any coverage of the final stage of the Tour de France, you probably know this.  Team Radio Shack and Lance Armstrong reminded us that this is how many people in the world today there are living with cancer.  I did not know it at the time, but I was one of them.

28,000 - the number of new patients admitted to MDA in a year.

1,200 - the number of people that will participate in the lung cancer study I volunteered for.  There will be 600 with and 600 without cancer in the study.

April 2010 - this is when my lung cancer symptoms first appeared.

April 16, 2010 - the day that the FDA issued their findings that Tarceva was approved as a first-line treatment for lung cancer.  Anyone want to argue God's timing?

Saturn III - the clinical trial that established Tarceva as a first-line lung cancer treatment.

9 - the floor that my thoracic oncologist is located on.

30 - how many Tarceva were prescribed for the first round of treatment.

22 - how many Tarceva were sitting at the Tom Thumb pharmacy less than a half mile from our house.  Anyone want to argue God knowing our EVERY need?

7 - the floor that the brain surgeon is located on.

4 - the number of screws that will hold the halo in place for the Gamma Knife procedure.

192 - the number of individual radiation beams that will be focused on my brain tumor Thursday.

20 minutes - the approximate time they expect the Gamma Knife procedure to take. 

15% - this is the percentage of people diagnosed with lung cancer that survive longer than five years.  I plan to be one of them.

100% - the percentage of people who will die.  Unless the Lord comes before then.

100% - the percentage of people who have an eternal life.  I once heard a minister put it this way:  "The question is not whether you have eternal life, the question is, where will you spend it?"

I am confident where I will spend my eternal life.  If you are not sure where you will spend yours, please e-mail me.

Thanks once again to all of the people who are praying for me and the family.  I think I now have a prayer chain that stretches from California to Maine.

Love you all!

Favorites

DeLayne came home the other evening and said that she had been asked by a friend what my favorite meal is and she did not no how to answer.  After that the thought occurred to me that to most people I am probably identified as either DeLayne's husband or Chad and Shane's dad.  So, just so everyone can know a little more about me, here is a list of a few of my favorite things.  Now that song is stuck in your head too.

Meal - Spaghetti and meat balls.  Although just about any pasta dish will be eaten.  Good thing with all of the bike riding at our house, there is a lot of pasta consumed.  I also like pounded and smothered steak with mashed potatoes, gravy  and corn like mom use to make.

Pie - coconut cream.  I forgot how good Luby's coconut cream pie is until yesterday when we stopped at Luby's for lunch.  I also like pecan and of course cherry with vanilla ice cream is a good comfort food.

Cake - German chocolate with Carmel/coconut icing.

Ice Cream - Vanilla.  You can do anything with it. 

Pizza - Pepperoni followed by Hawaiian.

Soft drink - I'm a Pepper.

Sport - sorry guys, it's baseball.  I started playing when I was six years old.  This was the first sport I was allowed to play.  I played catcher probably because I was the only kid who could catch a baseball.  The team I was on  did not have any shin guards but I loved it.  We were so bad we got the sportsmanship trophy. 

Hobbies - riding bikes and photography.

Baseball team - the Rangers.  Yes, they are doing well this year but I am still holding my breath.

Football team - the Dallas Cowboys.

Car - my 1983 Dodge Shelby Charger.  The day I bought that car, DeLayne's boss insisted she take a ride in it and that is when I asked her out.  The rest, as they say,  is history.

Vacation - The cruise DeLayne and I took to Alaska for our 25th anniversary.

Family Vacation - any one of the trips we took to Wind River Ranch in Estes Park, Co.  If you are looking for a great place to take a family vacation, I strongly suggest checking this out.

Candy - may parents peanut brittle followed very closely by my sister Joyce's homemade toffee.  However, I have met very few candies I could not learn to like.

Favorite Hymn - The Old Rugged Cross.  That hymn can preach.

Favorite Bible verse - John 3:16.  That verse just sums it all up.

Favorite Bible Passage - Mathew 6:25 - 34.  Any passage that starts with "Why do you worry?" is for me right now.

Favorite son - depends on who is in the room when I need something. 

Well, I hoped you all enjoyed all of that insight.

Thanks again for all of the prayers, support and encouragement.  It means more than you will ever know.