It has been a little over four weeks now since I started in the X-396 trial. I had a reaction to the medicine and had a bad rash that covered my whole face and was very painful. Due to the reaction, I was taken off of the drug for 10 days to clear up the rash. The last two weeks have been very trying for me as I just have not been able to make any sense of it all. I have wanted to write a new blog but just have not been able to put my thoughts together. So, today I offer you my thoughts on some seemingly random events over the past few weeks.
It had been another long day at MDA. There had been a mixup with my schedule and, once again, I was going to be delayed in taking the trial drug. I am not allowed to eat for two hours before taking the medicine. I had not eaten since 8:30 that morning, and the longer things stretched on, the hungrier I got and the more my frustration built. Finally around 2:00 that afternoon I was allowed to take the drug and leave the clinic. I had had enough for one day and practically ran back to the truck. I wanted out of MDA and out of Houston as quick as I could. Of course, I am also not allowed to eat for two hours after taking the medicine. As we headed north on I-45 in stop-and-go traffic, the minutes just ticked by. We hit Huntsville just as it was time to eat. I needed some food, and the snacks in the truck just would not do. I decided that I wanted pancakes, and we found the local IHOP. We were seated at a booth, and our waiter brought us some water and took our order. As I sat in that booth, I could feel the last bit of energy draining from my body. I put my head in the palms of my hands and closed my eyes for a few minutes. My momentary rest was interrupted by our waiter asking if I would like some orange juice for a little pick-me-up--at no charge. He had noticed the bandage on my arm and thought I had just given blood. I told him, "No thanks on the orange juice, but if you could find an orange, I would really appreciate it." I thought that I had just asked the impossible and told DeLayne, "No way he brings back an orange." Just a few minutes later, here he came with a bowl of canned oranges. He actually apologized for them being canned and said, "We just got these in for some reason." DeLayne and I actually started to tear up a little. It wasn't about the oranges. It was that someone saw we weren't having a good day and took a few moments to care. Sometimes you may see someone in need and think that what you have to offer won't make a difference and move on. That small gesture may not mean much to you, but it may just be the high point of that person's day.
When my face was engulfed with the rash and I seemed to be in never-ending pain, the thought occurred to me that this might be what Hell is like. Constant burning torment and no relief; add eternal separation from God and I think you would be there. Thankful that I know who my Savior is.
One Sunday morning I was watching a very well-known minister talking about encountering troubles in our lives. He was making the point that as Christians, nothing comes to us that has not passed through God's hands. I believe that to be true, as well. However, there are times that I wish God would hold His hands a little tighter together.
While I was dealing with the rash, I had a lot of sleepless nights. One of those nights I turned on the TV and started flipping channels. I happened across a minister that is very popular right now. I can only say that most of his teaching is based on the Name-it-claim-it theology. As I listened to him, I began to feel sympathy for the people in his congregation who are fighting long-term health issues like I am. If I were to believe what he is teaching, the reason I have not been healed from cancer is because I do not have enough faith. Hogwash! I would suggest this minister read Psalm 69:13-14. "But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord, at an acceptable time; O God in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth. Deliver me from the mire and do not let me sink; May I be delivered from my foes and from the deep waters." (NASB) God does not operate on man's clock. At an acceptable time to God, He will answer our prayers out of His lovingkindness. Sometimes He says, "Yes," sometimes, "No," and sometimes, "Wait." Faith is knowing that God will answer us out of His will.
I was reading a commentary on hope the other day. Hope has gotten a bad wrap lately. There are a lot of people who have placed their hope in a man. That man has now disappointed them in one way or another and they have lost their hope. The last few weeks, there have been days that hope is what has gotten me through the day. There have been days that hope is the only rope I have to hold on to. That rope has been frayed, and at times it feels like it is down to the last thread. The thing that has kept me going is knowing that the other end of that rope is held by the nail-pierced hand of Jesus.