Unbelief

A few months ago, as I began to feel that lung cancer was beginning to return again, I started to sense that this time it would be a real fight. Now after having failed my third ALK inhibitor in just eight weeks, I can see that that feeling was well founded. Not only have I been experiencing more of a physical battle this time, but I have been experiencing a real challenge spiritually.

These past three weeks, I have had family and friends encouraging me to keep my faith and hope in Jesus. The thing is, that as I reflect on what I believe now versus four years ago, I still believe the same things. I still believe that God, at a time of His choosing, can heal me. I still believe that by the stripes on Jesus' back I have been healed. Rich Mullins recorded a song with this chorus: "I believe what I believe / It's what makes me who I am / I did not make it / no it is making me / it's the very truth of God / not the invention of any man." I still stand strong on those rocks, but, still, I have noticed that there is a struggle within me.

I have learned at times like these it is best to just be quiet and listen. As I sat and listened, I heard but one word: Unbelief. As I thought about that word, I remembered a story in the Bible of a father who also needed help with his unbelief. The story is found in Mark 9:14-29. A father has brought his son to the disciples to be healed of a demon spirit. The disciples were unable to heal the boy, and then Jesus showed up. Jesus questioned the father about how long the boy had been like this, and the father responded, "Since childhood. It has often thrown him into the fire or the water to kill him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" Jesus then says in the next verse, "'If You can'? Everything is possible for him who believes." The boy's father then responds to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

What I believe has long since been settled. What I struggle with now are areas of my unbelief. The question is not, "Can God heal me?" or even "Will God heal me?" The question is, "Where will God heal me?" Up until the past few weeks, I have believed that God would heal me here on earth, but with the repeated diagnoses, there is now some doubt in that belief. My prayer is that Jesus shows up and takes pity on me and helps me overcome my unbelief.

Cups

Last week we learned that my treatment with X-396 was not working, and I was removed from the clinical trial. As we were driving home from Houston, my thoughts turned to...cups.

We have paper cups, plastic cups and Styrofoam cups. There are tea cups and coffee cups. You can have a cup of Joe or a cup of tea. Ever had a cup made of cake, or what about a chocolate peanut butter cup? Sometimes our cups are half-full or half-empty. Has your cup ever overflowed?

For most of my life, I have been blessed with an overflowing cup. I can't think of a time that my needs have never been met. My cup has overflowed with friends and loved ones. I have been blessed beyond measure so many times that I can't count them all.

Four years ago, I was handed a different cup. This cup is not of my choosing. There have been times that this cup has been filled with discomfort and pain. But then there are times it has been filled with laughter and joy. Recently my cup has been filled with frustration, doubt, and uncertainty. I pray every night for God to take this cup back, that I just can't drink anymore from it. Thus far, He has chosen not to take this cup from me, and He tells me to look at my cup again, and there I see it. It is a little battered and bruised, but I still see in my cup...hope.