Looking back over these past few months, there have been times that I am certain the life I am living is not mine. There have been days that as soon as I wake up, a cloud descends on me and I go through the day going through the motions. I go to bed at night just praying that when I awake the next morning that the cloud will lift, and I will find God's plan in all of this and the nightmare will cease. As of yet, that has not happened.
Sometimes the cloud is of my own making. I can retreat into the cloud away from the doctors, nurses and loud machines. I can find myself remembering times before cancer when breathing was easier and there was no coughing to remind me. I am finding that if I stay in my cloud too long, that is when the self-pity begins, and my cloud can become dark and depressing.
Other times I think that the cloud is from God. These are the days that I have to depend on Him to get me through the day. I believe that most of all that is what He is trying to teach me: to increase my dependence on Him. That does not make this any easier, but it helps to know that when the fatigue sets in, He is there to carry me.
One thing that I have continued to struggle with is worshiping God in all of this. I know that if these clouds would lift, then I will be able to worship God for what He has done. But I have been reminded that that is not always how it works. When God gave Moses the instructions concerning the temple in the final chapter of Exodus, then a cloud covered the Tent of Meeting. This was to be a sign that God was there and the people were to stay and worship God in that place.
On occasion I have wondered where God has gone. Now I know that He has always been right here in the cloud with me.
I want to thank you for always sharing the things you and God are dealing with. I don't have cancer... no serious health issues, but our church suffered a split last May. Our family has been trying to find a new church home. We still haven't. We have old friends who no longer speak to us. Some who don't understand why we don't go to their new church. Some days the cloud is so thick at my house... with feelings of rejection and loneliness. Why would God allow this? Why would He allow His church to split? And His people to scatter? Why can't we find a new church home where we fit in?
ReplyDeleteI have been reading in Exodus. Thank you for reminding me that God is in the cloud.
I see God in your blog posts. Thank you for sharing.