Living Psalm 13

Is there a passage of scripture that you find yourself continually being drawn back to? I have been on this journey to beat lung cancer for almost five years now. There have been more ups and downs than I can count. I have been in another clinical trial since November and currently have "No Evidence of Disease" for the third time. But the longer this battle has gone on, the more wary and frayed I have become. During this time, there has emerged a passage of scripture that I find myself relating to more and more frequently, and I find myself reading it more often. The passage of scripture that is becoming more dear to me is Psalm 13.

Psalm 13 was written by David, and each time I read it, I find myself thinking, "Wow, this is my life right now." At the time David wrote this Psalm, he was the anointed future king of Israel. Yet, there he was running for his life from King Saul, who sought to take his life. David, a man after God's own heart, was seeking refuge wherever he could find it. He was spending days and nights in dark and damp caves, never knowing when King Saul and his men would come. David was tired, exhausted, and he was seeking some answers. I can imagine David sitting at the top of a hill, alone, and feeling isolated from God when he just began to poor out his heart to God with the questions he had been wrestling with.

Most of David's questions can be summed up with, "How long, O Lord, will this continue?" David already knew his future. He would one day be the King of Israel, but he was so tired of running, he just had to ask. David asks the questions that had been weighing heavy on his heart of God. The one thing that sticks out in this Psalm is what is missing. Nowhere do I find where God answered any of David's questions. He did not have to. And there, in the final verse, David realizes what God has already done for him. I can see David in a moment recalling the memory of his battle with Goliath and how with a single stone the giant was slain. He remembers how many times God has blessed him and rejoices.

The reason I can relate to this Psalm is that cancer has become my King Saul. It seeks to take my life. Even though I have now beaten cancer three times, I never know when it will show up again. At nights when I can't sleep, I find myself asking God, "How long will this go on?" "Why haven't you just healed me?" Sometimes I feel like I should not question God's plan or will, but I don't think He is surprised by these questions. After all, if a man after God's own heart can ask these questions, why can't I? I don't get any answers either, because He does not need to answer.

Each time that cancer has shown its hideous face, God has provided a stone to slay the giant. I have to remind myself that God has continually laid the rocks that have made the path I travel. I don't know how long this journey will last or where it will take me next; all I can do is pray that with each step I take, God has already placed the rock for me to step on.