Have I Been A Fool?

I am going to go some place that I think a lot of Christians do not like to go. I believe that most Christians do not like having their faith challenged, and I will admit to being one of them. I have always been more of "let my walking do my talking" kind of guy. As I have said many times before, God and I have had many one-sided discussions about the purpose of the journey I am now on. The only time God has chosen to give me any type of an answer it was, "They are watching." God has yet to disclose to me who they are. I have my suspicions, but God will not confirm them. I personally believe that "they" are just people who know I am a Christian and are just watching to see how I respond to my journey and if my faith still holds.

The reason this has come up in my mind is that I am now having to fight active lung cancer for the fourth time. We have been praying for complete healing for five years now, and instead of healing, we receive another diagnosis of recurring cancer. I can't help but believe that some of the people who are watching have to think that I am foolish to continue to believe that there is a God who can or will heal me. After all, the Psalms are full of passages where David's faith is ridiculed. Even Jesus was mocked while on the cross. Why should I be surprised if there are people questioning my faith in God?

To keep it real, I will confess to having asked myself multiple times this past month if I was being foolish to believe God would heal me. There have been several nights that I have stayed awake asking God where He is and imploring Him to show up. Yes, I freely admit to having fallen. One thing that I have noticed in those times is that God is not the one who has moved. It is always me who is not where he is supposed to be, and it is the times that I have fallen that I find it easiest to worship God. I am already down on my face before him. So, don't judge the absence of God by the times I have fallen, but judge the presence of God by the times, that thanks to His unfathomable grace, I have been able to stand.

So, have I been a fool? I don't think so. In the Bible, we are instructed to work out our faith. In these last five years, I have come to believe that God allows trials to assists us in working out that faith. God does not mind the hard questions we ask; He expects them. I was reading Psalm 37 and was reminded that my steps have been established by the Lord and that even when I fall, I will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who is holding my hand. I am thankful that through this journey, what I believe has been transformed into faith.