The Process

During the diagnosis phase, I started asking my pulmonologist some questions concerning what may lay ahead. He answered me with, “You have to understand that you have started a process. There are many steps that will have to be taken in order, and each will take time.” Of course, he was speaking from the medical perspective, but over the last few months, I have started to learn that this is also true from a spiritual perspective as well.

While I was recovering from the radiation treatments and preparing to begin chemo treatments, I completed my study of the Psalms. During this time, I became even more convinced that I will be healed from this cancer. This conviction lead to me ask the following question of God: "If you are going to heal me, why put me through radiation, chemo, and all of these tests and treatments? Why not just heal me now?” Then one morning when I woke up, the first thing to come to mind was Lazarus. That thought seemed out of place with what I had been reading, so I ignored it and pushed it out of my mind. I admit that I am not the sharpest tack in the box sometimes, but when it happened two more mornings, I finally took the hint and opened my Bible to the story of Lazarus in John 11 and 12.

The first thing that I noticed is that Jesus knew that the sickness would not end in death but for the glory of God and so that the Son of God would be glorified. Also, even though Jesus loved Lazarus, He waited to go to him. I, too, will wait so that the Son of God will be glorified in my healing. I will admit that I do not like waiting. I want this process to move faster than it is, but at each phase of my treatment, we learn something new that we would not have learned if we were moving faster.

The second thing I noticed is that Lazarus’ sisters asked a variation of my question to Jesus. “If you had come sooner, you could have healed him.” Jesus tries to explain to them about the resurrection and life, but when they and the crowds with them continue to weep, He sees their doubt and is deeply troubled. It strikes me that my question shows that I also have some doubt about God’s plan and the process He is putting me through. Sometimes doubt enters my thoughts, but I still maintain the faith in my heart. The one thing I do not want to do is grieve Jesus with my doubt.

The final thing that I noticed is that the chief priest started making plans to kill Lazarus. Why? Because he had become a witness for Jesus. Large crowds were gathering to see him. This part makes me smile a little. I like to imagine Lazarus being at dinner or out on the street and a large crowd gathers to look at him. Finally someone musters the courage to ask him, “Hey, aren’t you the Lazarus that died?” And he answers, “Yes, I am, and let me tell you what Jesus did for me.” This makes me look forward to the day that someone comes up to me and says, “Hey, aren’t you the Chris Haga who had lung cancer?” And I can answer, “Yes, I am, and let me tell you what Jesus did for me.”

Most of all, through all of this I am learning that God has a plan for the rest of my life, and He only reveals to me what I need to know for each day. It has become evident to me that part of the plan includes a process of refinement for me. The process is not pleasant and can be real uncomfortable at times, and I want it to move faster than it is, but I know when it is completed I will be a better witness for Jesus.

I awoke one morning with these words in my head: "To rush the process would be to ruin the process." So, I will wait, watch, listen, and pray to be ready when the process is complete in His timing.