Broken – that’s what I am: broken. I cannot remember at any point in my life being as broken as I am right now. As I told one of the doctors, it is like all of my dominoes were in a line and someone walked up and pushed the first one, and now I am powerless to stop them. Since mid-September, there has been one health issue after another, and they have finally taken their toll.
Physically, I am exhausted. I am not sure there is any part of my body that is working as it should; even when it does work, it hurts. Just sitting up to eat or taking a short walk wears me out. Rolling over in bed takes tremendous effort. I try not to take many of the pain meds prescribed for me, but sometimes, they are the only answer.
Emotionally, I find myself becoming more disconnected each day. The doctor from Care Support told me it is okay to cry and would probably be good for me. I just thought, “Dude, if I could, I would.” I feel like I have no control and all of the emotion has been sucked out of me.
Mentally, I am fatigued. I feel like I have pulled all nighters for finals for the past week. Putting two thoughts together is becoming a real challenge. I do my best to just focus on each day and what it will take to get through it, but with the string of bad days that I have had, it is hard to think of better days coming.
Spiritually, I have been drained. This is the area that most disturbs me. I try to read my Bible, but I just can’t muster the desire. I try to pray, but all that will come out is, “God, please fix something!” Early one morning, I was lying in bed pleading with God to show me some mercy. Suddenly, I realized the song "It is Well with My Soul" was playing in my head. I got mad and told God that under no circumstances was any of this well with my soul. Then I tried to recall some memory verses, and the only verse that would come to mind was, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” That pretty well summed up my feelings at that moment.
I still believe that God is here and He is working; I just wish I could feel Him more. I still believe that there will be something good come from all of this; I just wish I could see it. I still believe that God is and will be glorified in all of this. I just wish He would get some glory somewhere else for awhile.
Can God still use a broken vessel like me? I have read before that God saves His greatest work for His vessels after they have been broken and He has put them back together. I guess we will see how He puts this one back together.
I am heartbroken. I understand where you are coming from.... not from a physical place, but still... The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit will interecede for us when all we can do is groan. I know that is what is happening now.... the Holy Spirit is intereceding on your behalf. There was once a time in my life where I could not formulate a prayer. What sustained me was the prayers of my righteous friends. So to you, my friend, I am praying for you. I know many others are. For now, all you need to do is just "Be Still and Know that I am God." Ps 46:10. Much love tonight from your Sister in Christ from Pryor, Okla.
ReplyDeleteChris, This a hard time for you and your family. I am so very sorry that it all hurts, You have fought back with everything erytime you get knocked down. Do Not give my friend. Prayers are coming your way as they do everyday. I will request that we get them to you more often. Please do not give the fight . If you wnt to see Gods work in progress thru you i found my way.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you, my friend. This is Eric F. from work.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't read your Bible, don't be shy to have a family member or a minister of your congregation read it out loud to you. When you need the words the most, it can be better to hear them.
I recommend starting with Numbers 6:24 -"May the Lord bless you and keep you: May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you: May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."
I've never had to deal personally with cancer, so I won't claim I know what you are going through, but as you known, I deal with fatigue and pain constantly, and when it is bad, it is just like what you describe. My spiritual vexation is that nobody knows how to cure it, and that fact can start eating at a very deep spot in my soul.
Sometimes I can deal with it by getting very mad and stubborn, but when things get truly dark, I need something more powerful than I can provide on my own. I try to get myself outside if the weather's decent, or at least somewhere I can breath outside air. I listen to Pirate Christian Radio (christian internet station on Live365) I force myself to do a little Tai Chi. Sometimes God isn't speaking to you through your inner thoughts, he's speaking through the life around you, so you have to get yourself out of bed and back in contact with that life.
Hang in there. Call me if you need someone to talk to. The peace of the Lord be with you.